By  Sapna Matthews, Senior Counsellor

I was 15 and going through my first heartbreak. I had just found out the guy I had been crushing on for more than a year wasn’t into girls who wore glasses. And I had glasses as big as a soccer field on my face. My world crashed around me. I decided I didn’t want to go to my school anymore and face the torture of seeing him every day. 

In all that pain, I noticed this friend of mine who seemed to sense my heartache and started spending hours with me listening to my heartache and just being there. She didn’t advice or preach, she was just there with me as my tears made my sandwich soggy. That for me, was the first experience of what friendship means and how it can help restore emotional well-being. 

Many studies and research have shown the link between enduring friendships and emotional well-being and longevity. One of the studies on happiness has shown that having stable friendships is the number one indicator of joy and happiness. Science also backs the theory that friendships reduce stress, strengthen self-esteem, and create a sense of belonging. From an evolutionary point of view, friendships were important as forging deep friendships of trust within one’s tribe increased your chances of survival during an enemy attack. 

Attachment theory: How children’s future relationships are affected by caregiver-bonding

In my exploration on how friendships can improve mental health, I decided to review some psychological theories I learnt in counselling. The first one was attachment theory. In a nutshell, what this theory by Bowlby says is, the way children bond with their primary caregivers (parents in most cases) would indicate how most of the interactions in adulthood would play out – be it romantic relationships or those with your colleagues. This is particularly true in the case of conflicts. How we handle a rough spot in relationships are mostly a reflection of our attachment styles: secure or insecure, which includes avoidant, anxious, and disorganised. 

For someone with an avoidant attachment style, they would be wary of intimacy. They are uncomfortable with vulnerability and intimacy required in close relationships. On the other hand, someone with anxious attachment becomes clingy and dependent in friendships or in romantic relationships. They become jealous, possessive, and extremely fearful of abandonment or rejection. Disorganised attachment style is a combination of the above two. Fear of abandonment combined with fleeing from intimacy. Secure attachment, as the name suggests, has its foundation of trust built into every relationship. They can both give and receive intimacy. They are able to communicate their needs and feelings without fear. 

Social Theory: Explaining how we behave in group settings

The next theory would be social identity theory. It basically states that a person’s sense of self comes from who they are in a group setting. It is no surprise that the psychologist who created this theory Henri Tajfel was a survivor of the holocaust. This theory particularly holds for friendships that develop in the teenage years. As a child moves from childhood to adolescence, his sense of self comes predominantly from his peer circle.  Hence, feeling rejected by your classmates or peers could have devastating effects on a teenager’s mind.

Teenagers also use their friends as virtual mirrors. They try to form circles that best reflect the image they are trying to create: the cool boys, the mean girls, the nerds, the sporty kind, the glamorous bunch etc are all subgroups that are created organically in any school or university.  

Friendships Across a Lifespan

In childhood, friendships are about fun, play, and accessibility. The beginnings of understanding social norms of interaction are developed in this stage. In the teenage years, it’s about identity formation. We need friends who accept us and a social circle to which we have a sense of belonging. 

In our 20s and 30s, as work and other pursuits take precedence, it gets harder to forge deep friendships. As we make sense of our “adult” role, we make diverse groups of friends who support us in these pursuits. A special note here would be that many would take on the additional “parenting role” in these years. Having a circle of friends who have children of the same age helps us feel supported while receiving needed advice on how best to navigate this newfound territory of parenting. 

As we enter our 40s and 50s, it gets harder to make and maintain friendships. In this stage, we are wary about who we allow into our close circle of friends as we don’t have time to waste on superficial relationships that once claimed our energy. We also become more experienced in reading motives and genuineness. 

However, as we enter older adulthood, it is still critical to have someone to interact with regularly. The lack of friendships can result in loneliness and depression stemming from isolation. As retirement looms, it is imperative we stay involved in the community. 

Practical tips to cultivate and maintain friendships in whatever life stage you are in 

Here are a few practical tips to maintain and deepen friendships.

1. Know your inner circle: make a list of your closest friends. These are friends who have stood by you in the happy times and in the bad times. 
2. Make efforts to meet up: Even if you are not the extroverted kind, it pays to organise or join regular meetups with those who bring a sense of calm to your mind and being. 
3. Show them that you care: Do little care acts. Like checking in on them, supporting them through major life events. 
4. Embark on new experiences together: Relationships are strengthened by meaningful memories. Research has found that it takes 40 to 60 hours to turn an acquaintance into a friend and about another 100 hours for that friendship to deepen. Meaningful memories help solidify the bond. 
5. Honest, open communication: When your friendship hits a rough patch, arrange for a one-on-one time to sort out misunderstandings. 

What made my friendships endearing and enduring?

While writing this article, my mind kept going back to a friend I admire and respect greatly. I tried dissecting what made this friendship endearing and enduring. I think what stood out for me was that it was based on genuineness: sincerely wanting what’s best for the other without any toxicity or manipulation.  Another thing that stood out was consistency. There may have been rough patches, but the friendship had stood the test of time and has been unwavering whenever I needed it the most. 

As I wind up this article, I would like to reiterate that friendships are worth investing in. If you have been hurt by a friend in the past, it is time to heal from it and to forge new ones. 

When I look at you, I can feel it, I look at you and I’m home. -Dory, Finding Nemo