Ways for women: 7 practical tips to communicate better if you’re struggling to connect with your partner

Ever felt like your husband doesn’t understand what you’re saying anymore? You feel you both aren’t connecting in the same way as before, and you wonder, “Has the spark gone out?” or think, “This is normal after years of marriage and settling into a routine”.

Experts say beyond love, things like honesty, respect, empathy, gratitude and trust are important to building a healthy relationship. One major factor is how we communicate with each other.

But what happens in long-term relationships? The spark you had in the beginning or that longing to talk for hours starts to wane. Your conversations become more about errands and family schedules instead of experiences and dreams. That dilutes your connection to each other.

A friend who has been married for 20 years said recently: “I don’t talk to my husband except about my children’s schedules, what we’re going to do about the school holidays and also when I need to go out. It’s as if we’re roommates and not life partners. And I’m sure once the kids are out of university, we’re going to speak a lot less.”

Another friend confided that she and her husband also hardly talk. “He booked a family holiday without consulting me and guess who scrambled to change my work schedule, the children’s tuition classes and things like swimming lessons?” She grimaced, pointing to herself.

Sapna Mathews, a senior counsellor at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre, said: “The key ingredient in honest and connected communication is emotional safety. Partners need to feel emotionally safe to be themselves, to share their thoughts and feelings. When this sense of safety is jeopardised, communication becomes difficult.”

Mathews added that a breakdown in communication happens when one partner makes multiple efforts at solving the problem to no avail, leading to repeated rejections or misunderstandings. The sense of safety and connection has drawn down from the couple’s “love bank” till there’s no more balance to draw from.

Here are seven practical ways to improve your communication with your partner and feel connected again:

1. LISTEN WITH EMPATHY

Listening goes beyond just hearing the words – it is also about showing empathy by focusing on what your partner is saying. Seeing things from your partner’s perspective without interrupting, and not planning your response, as they talk.

Show interest and make eye contact, nodding, and responding with encouragement. Reflect on what you heard, saying, “I understand you feel.” And truly mean it because this reassures your partner that you’re fully engaged and empathetic.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but understanding their feelings can prevent unnecessary arguments. Phrases like, “I can see why that would make you upset” can go a long way in showing empathy. Validating your partner’s emotions strengthens the emotional connection and encourages them to open up more freely.

Mathews added that this safety is a by-product of attunement – being aware of and responding to your partner’s needs.

2. REDUCE FINGER-POINTING AND USE “I” STATEMENTS

When discussing sensitive topics, avoid accusatory language, which can lead to defensiveness and conflict. Instead, focus on “I” statements to express your feelings without making your partner feel attacked.

For instance, say: “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always do this.” This shift can help keep the conversation respectful and focused on solutions rather than blame.

3. SET TIME TO TALK

Busy lives can make it hard to find uninterrupted time for meaningful conversations. Schedule regular check-ins, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes a day, where you both share what’s going on in your lives. This helps you stay in sync and prevents small issues from building up over time.

Choose a time where both of you are relaxed and open to talk. Sometimes, it’s before bed, while commuting and others, it’s during mealtime. To avoid distractions, put your devices away and just tell each other about your day, the week or whatever is upcoming.

4. BE CLEAR AND DIRECT

It’s easy to assume your partner knows what you need or want, but mind-reading often leads to misunderstandings. Be clear about your needs and desires, expressing them in a straightforward manner.

Direct communication minimises confusion and helps your partner understand how they can support you.

For example, if you don’t want to visit your in-laws too soon after festivities like Chinese New Year, you should articulate it clearly, “I think we can skip our regular Sunday meal this weekend since we have just seen them. Let’s do something else instead.”

5. YOUR TONE AND BODY LANGUAGE MATTERS

Sometimes, it’s not what you say but how you say it. Pay attention to your tone, body language, and even facial expressions, as these can affect how your message is received.

Even if your words are kind, a dismissive tone or crossed arms might convey irritation. Be mindful of non-verbal cues to ensure your partner feels respected and heard.

6. PATIENCE, COMPROMISE AND GRATITUDE

When emotions run high in an argument, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean. Be self-aware and if you feel yourself getting to that point, take a break or step out before continuing the discussion.

The time-out strategy prevents the conversation from escalating to an argument. Being patient helps in such situations. Rome wasn’t built in a day – neither are healthy relationships.

When you do return to the discussion, find middle ground. Both partners need to feel that their opinions are valued, sometimes that means finding a compromise. Recognise that both of you might have different views and work towards finding a solution that feels acceptable, even if it’s not perfect.

And be thankful for each other. In such situations, say: “Thank you for listening to my point of view, even if you don’t agree with me.” Or a simple, “I appreciate you doing this for me” when he takes the children out while you sleep in or buys you your favourite coffee.

7. LOOK FOR A PROFESSIONAL

Don’t rule out seeking professional help for your marriage. It’s common that couples may find themselves stuck in a rut or unable to help themselves because they are all they see.

A counsellor or therapist may help them see things from a new perspective and share new strategies and tips for better communication.

Honest communication takes practice, patience and consistency. By trying these out, you and your partner can foster a deeper connection, tackle challenges together, and ultimately build a relationship that stands the test of time – or is a little more bearable each day.

Remember, the goal is to understand each other better and grow (older) as a team – and that journey is worth every effort.