Gen Zen: Why it's okay to cry in public

While I’m no stranger to a stifled sob in a movie theatre, or the stray tear in a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend, a recent moment of waterworks in a restaurant made me a bit self-conscious.

My stress-induced meltdown made the napkins meant for tidying spills become tools to hide my public distress, and I suddenly felt very conscious of the waiter hovering nearby our table as if hesitant to approach.

But why is crying in public often seen as something embarrassing? Is a public display of emotion necessarily a “bad” thing, and what can we do to pick ourselves up after a breakdown?

I spoke to mental health professionals to address the stigma associated with crying publicly, the psychological benefits of shedding tears, as well as explore strategies for people to cope when crying in public spaces.

THE SOCIAL STIGMA OF CRYING IN PUBLIC

There is a pressure to maintain a composed demeanour, which is associated with resilience, and some people may perceive emotions such as sadness or anger to be “bad” emotions that should be kept private.

Ms Sharon Ng, a professional counsellor with Singapore-based online counselling platform Talk Your Heart Out, said: “Public perception often labels crying as a sign of emotional instability, vulnerability, weakness or lack of control, leading to feelings of embarrassment or shame, particularly in professional or competitive environments where strength and composure are highly valued.”

Mr Haikal Jamil, senior clinical psychologist and founder of ImPossible Psychological Services, said that there is a misconception that a person who is crying is “unable to overcome the problem faced”.

Crying in public is seen to be even less acceptable for men, who are traditionally socialised to not display emotions publicly, the experts said.

Last year, TODAY spoke with a few young men who said that rigid expectations of men being the “providers” or “protectors” have added pressure and made discussions of their mental health struggles difficult.

“People believe that being vulnerable means being weak, and weakness isn’t fully accepted in society, sadly.

“Social conditioning, fear of judgement, limited emotional vocabulary and pressure to conform to traditional gender roles also contribute to this reluctance (to cry in public),” she added.

THE BENEFITS OF CRYING

Despite its association with weakness, mental health professionals said that crying is a natural and healthy part of emotional expression, and can bring relief.

After the occasional cry, I’ve often felt lighter and refocused, even if the original stressor remains, almost as if crying in such a public manner signified hitting rock bottom, and now, the only way could be up.

This sense of relief is brought about by the release of pent-up emotions because crying aids in the restoration of emotional balance, Ms Ng from Talk Your Heart Out said.

“Moreover, crying can lead to a lighter emotional state, clearer thinking and improved mood, facilitating individuals in gaining perspective and shifting focus from negative thoughts,” she said.

She added that crying also has physiological benefits, as crying lubricates and cleanses the eyes, reduces nasal congestion and offers relief from physical tension that is associated with emotional distress.

Mr Haikal said that crying signals to people around us that we are overwhelmed, and when received by someone who is empathetic and concerned about us, this “fosters social connection” as they could provide emotional support.

How receptive others are to one’s emotions, however, is also dependent on the situation, since crying may be seen to be more “appropriate” in situations of grief such as at funerals, or if the people around the person crying are aware of what has caused their distress, he added.

On the other hand, not crying when one feels the urge can bring harm, the experts said, because not addressing one’s emotions authentically can cause problems to persist.

“Repressing emotions can also strain relationships and hinder communication, as unresolved emotions may manifest in unhealthy ways,” she added.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I CRY IN PUBLIC?

Still, while expressing one’s emotions authentically may bring benefits, it can be a bit daunting to be so emotionally vulnerable in spaces such as on public transport or in a professional setting.

Mr Haikal said that it is common for people to feel shame and regret as they start to regain composure due to “negative thoughts” about how others might perceive them.

A good start would be to reframe the impact of crying publicly, such as by assuring oneself that the impressions others might have of you is not defined by that one moment.

“If you find yourself having to respond to curious questions about why you cried, explain yourself from a place of strength,” he advised.

Ms Sapna Mathews, senior counsellor at Eagles Mediation and Counselling Centre, said: “The most important perspective on crying in public is your own.

Do you feel self-conscious or extremely vulnerable if you cry in public? Or are you someone who couldn’t care less what people think?

“I would say, don’t force yourself either way. Do what comes to you naturally and most importantly, do what makes you feel safer.”

The experts also said that it may be helpful to find a slightly more private area, such as a quiet corner or a restroom, to let yourself calm down.

You may find a more private area to collect your thoughts and cry it out, and take slow, deep breaths through the nose and the mouth to help regulate your emotions, Ms Mathews said.

SHOULD I APPROACH SOMEONE I SEE CRYING?

As to whether you should approach someone you see crying in a public space, experts emphasised that you should take a sensitive and respectful approach.

To avoid escalating the situation and not draw unnecessary attention to their distress, Ms Shin said that it is important to offer “discreet support” with empathy and patience.

“We should avoid ignoring them or pressuring them to stop crying, which is common, many of us in this Asian culture often say ‘don’t cry’ or ‘stop crying’.

“And refrain from making assumptions about their emotions.”

It is also important to respect that person’s boundaries, for example by providing space and avoiding overwhelming questions or gestures of comfort, because some people may not like to be touched when upset, she added.

Agreeing, Ms Ng said that approaching someone crying in public may feel like an “intrusion” in this “vulnerable state”.

You should thus prioritise your own safety and well-being when deciding if you are able to intervene, and approach with caution.

“If they decline your help or prefer to be left alone, honour their decision.

“If they seem receptive, offer practical assistance such as providing tissue paper or helping them find a quiet space,” Ms Ng suggested.

“Validate their feelings by acknowledging their emotions in a compassionate manner, asking if there’s anything you can do to help.”