'You're doing great, but ...': Why it's so hard to shake off negative feedback from your boss during appraisal season

There are few things that are as nerve-racking to me as the annual ritual of stepping into an appraisal discussion with my bosses when the year comes to a close.

Five minutes before entering the meeting room, my palms get sweaty, my breathing gets heavier and there is a frantic effort to remember what I had rehearsed before the session.

Those goals that my bosses set for me a year ago? Here is how I achieved them with aplomb. That mistake I made a several months ago? It became a source of motivation for me to do better. And dear bosses, here’s my list of achievements that I’m really proud of this year and that I hope you’ll consider in your evaluation.

As I play out these scenarios in my head and second-guess how stilted and “corporate” I might sound, I remember that this yearly meeting with my bosses will be what determines a pay raise or a promotion, and it isn’t just a pat on the back for good work that I did.

However, because there are so many reasons that can affect how my work performance for that year is appraised, it did not matter how many encouraging words are said to me during the appraisal meeting.

Instead, it always tends to be that one negative feedback that will haunt me for the whole month.

December may be a time for looking ahead, but it is also a period of self-reflection. So, in the spirit of mentally preparing for 2025, how should people interpret and react to feedback from these appraisal meetings constructively and apply what they have learnt in the new year?

And if the feedback is tough to hear, how can people avoid letting negative thoughts get them into a tizzy?

GETTING “BAD” FEEDBACK FROM BOSSES

Posing these questions to mental health experts and career counsellors, I realised that in general, negative feedback from bosses does indeed stick around in our heads longer than compliments and can have untoward effects on our mental health.

It is a natural phenomenon known as “negativity bias”, several mental health experts said.

Mr Clifton Tokoara, a counsellor at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre, said that negative feedback can feel “emotionally challenging” because the human brain is wired to pay more attention to negative experiences.

“This means that negative feedback can overshadow multiple positive comments, which is what we call in clinical practice as mental filtering – a cognitive distortion or ‘thinking errors’.”

One can be thrown into “emotional extremes” when they indulge in black-and-white thinking. In such a scenario, all the person can think of is either “I’m no good” or the polar opposite, “I’m the best, my manager doesn’t know what he’s talking about”, Mr Tokoara added.

Such negativity bias may also stem from past appraisals done by the same supervisor for the person, who may already have a negative view towards this supervisor.

Mr Tokoara said: “Perceived or real, this individual may already be emotionally filled with negative sentiments when speaking with this supervisor.”

Agreeing, registered psychologist Ooi Sze Jin said that just as negative news or past events tend to linger in our minds longer, many people also internalise negative feedback and take it personally.

This leads individuals to criticise themselves more harshly than the feedback warrants, developing a persistent “inner critic” that resurfaces when negative experiences occur, Ms Ooi added.

Should such patterns persist and feedback triggers strong feelings such as shame, anger or anxiety, it would be good to reflect on whether one has felt similarly in the past, since this reaction in the workplace could stem from childhood experiences or past relationships.

Ms Ooi, who is founder of mental health service provider A Kind Place, said: “If you notice that these thoughts are persistent and affecting your sleep, relationships, or daily life – and previous coping strategies are no longer effective – it may be time to seek professional help.”

HOW TO TAKE TOUGH FEEDBACK BETTER 

If it is natural to feel bad about criticism we receive, then is there a right way to respond to our bosses during these appraisal meetings?

Human resource experts said that appraisal season can be anxiety-inducing, but preparation is key to keeping it professional even when taking in feedback that may be tough to hear.

One common mistake that employees make during appraisal discussions is becoming defensive.

Mr Kenji Naito, group chief executive officer of recruitment agency Reeracoen Singapore, said that reacting emotionally or trying to justify one’s action may create more tension.

“Dismissing criticism as irrelevant can hinder growth. Instead, employees should reflect and consider how even seemingly small adjustments can make a difference,” he added.

Ms Shalynn Ler, general manager at recruitment firm Ethos BeathChapman Singapore, emphasised the importance of an honest self-appraisal to better structure any upcoming discussion with one’s manager.

By reflecting on any achievements over the year and any potential improvements on past projects or assignments, one can more effectively set goals for the new year.

“Ask questions. Employees should be open to listening actively and should stay calm during these conversations. Remember that appraisal is a conversation and not an interrogation,” she added.

In the immediate aftermath of a tough appraisal, Mr Tokoara the counsellor said that it is crucial for employees to give themselves space to process their emotions, such as by taking a break from work to talk to a trusted friend or colleague.

He added that he has had clients who bring up the feedback they have received at work in counselling sessions. It can be a “huge blow” to the personal and professional growth for some people when they do not receive the results they had hoped.

“With the clients that I have worked with, a heavy focus would be self-compassion and fostering understanding. We tend to be very harsh towards either ourselves or the person giving the feedback, or both,” Mr Tokoara said.

Ms Ooi the psychologist suggested that the first step in dealing with a tough feedback session is to acknowledge how one is feeling without judgment.

She also suggested that a person can take time to self-soothe by getting in touch with one’s five senses should feelings be overwhelming.

For example, it may be helpful to listen to one’s surroundings or calming music, go for a guided meditation, or find an outlet to release the emotions in the moment by taking a walk or doing stretches or breathing exercises.

MOVING ON FROM THE CHECK-IN

Once the dust settles after an appraisal, it can be tempting to either dwell on the feedback or push it out of mind entirely.

However, the experts said that building resilience to workplace criticism begins with taking stock of the feedback received and making proactive efforts to engage with areas for growth.

While we are often flooded with heavy emotions because of how we interpret feedback, building resilience to criticism is a gradual process that involves developing a healthy mindset and strengthening emotional intelligence, Mr Tokoara said.

In order for appraisals to be less overwhelming to the people being evaluated, he suggested that they seek regular and constructive feedback such as through quarterly one-on-one chats with a superior, so that improvements can be made throughout the year.

Ms Ooi said that practising self-compassion and developing a healthy relationship with oneself can help one view feedback as an opportunity to improve skills, rather than being overly self-critical.

“Separating feedback from personal identity is key. Understand that criticism is about improving specific areas, not about who you are as a person,” she added.

However, the experts cautioned that not all appraisals may come from a fair or constructive place. Unfair workplace practices or systemic issues can sometimes influence feedback, disadvantaging employees.

Mr Naito advised employees to pay attention to feedback that is inconsistent with earlier appraisals, that is overly vague or mirrored across multiple team members, because these could indicate broader organisational challenges.

In such cases, he suggested that employees proactively discuss their concerns with their manager and propose constructive ideas to resolve systemic issues, which could demonstrate initiative and leadership.

It would also be helpful to keep a record of the challenges and the efforts to address them, which may offer clarity in future discussions, he added.

If feedback seems biased or inconsistent, Ms Ler from Ethos BeathChapman suggested involving a human resources representative to observe and provide an impartial perspective.

Taking notes during the appraisal and reflecting on the feedback afterward may also help workers gain perspective. If any comments seem unfair or unclear, they may request a follow-up discussion to clarify or revisit points.

“By recognising the signs of broader organisational issues and advocating for yourself in a professional and constructive manner, you can balance accepting feedback with standing up for yourself,” Ms Ler added.